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Fido and Me – Spam

February 10, 2012

“Look at THIS one!”
 
Fido is reading his email.
 
“Whatcha got?” I said.
 
“It says, ‘Get a controlled, comfortable walk with your dog’”
 
“Good one!”
 
This one had to do with a company that sells dog harnesses. The spam company is in Virginia. Fido loves dog-oriented spam, but he’s not discriminate.
 
As he says, “I’m a dog with email! That’s just cool.”
 
Fido has a slew of other unsolicited email.
 
“Newsman (@Newsman16) is now following you on Twitter!”
 
Fido has a Twitter account. During the Westminster Dog Show, he was beside himself with tweets. But it’s his off-the-wall email that he loves the most.
 
Ever since his email address started appearing in the paper, people (and dogs) want to know:
 
How is that Gentle Leader thing working out?
 
(“Well,” he replies.)
 
Any progress on forming that Hound Council?
 
(“Not really,” he writes back, with one of those sideways smiley faces.)
 
There were lots of “Happy Birthdays” this week.
 
(“Hey hey hey hey!”)
 
But the thing that Fido enjoys most is spam. He takes it personally. He honestly thinks spam writers are directing their pitches directly to him, even if he can’t make sense out of most of them.
 
I peered over his shoulder to see what was in his queue. He particularly likes the Omaha Steaks email, or anything having to do with food. Sometimes he gets into a bit of trouble with these.
 
On one of these, the subject line was “Give heat of the meat.”
 
That’s what drew his attention, but it wasn’t about Omaha Steaks.
 
“Dear Fido,” it began.
 
“Our doctors have proven the effectiveness of the new all natural antidepressant!
 
Even if your sex life is already rich and fulfilling ... Imagine you had a little more energy ... or you could go just a little longer...
Or maybe you worry, when you climb under the covers, that you’re starting something you can’t finish?”
 
Well, now advancements in natural medicine are making it easier than ever to…”
 
“Fido, just a hunch, but I’m not sure this is directed personally toward you.”
 
“But, but but,” he said.
 
“Subject: Get the comfort while keeping your bust shape”
 
“What the heck-fire is a bust shape?” he wanted to know.
 
“It’s a girl thing,” said I.
 
And another:
 
“Subject: Get a date (and a room)”
 
“This one sounds great!” Fido said. “Why, I could get a new comfort harness, enjoy a date, a steak and …”
 
I sighed.
 
“Cyberspace is a wonderful thing,” I said, “but you have to be a little more careful, and don’t ever, ever ever reply to even one of these things. Otherwise, you’ll just get more of the same, and your inbox will become basically inoperable.”
 
“Even the ones from Omaha Steaks?”
 
“You can keep that one,” I said, and gave him a wink.
 
fido@mammothtimes.com
George and Fido. Photo/Jesse Barlet
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